It's Not all About You! by Elisabeth L. Morrissey Blog tour with Cat's Review & Excerpt @DXVaros @TTCBooksandmore ~ '

Your husband tells you he’s transsexual. Do you drop him like a hot rock? Could it possibly work out? Read this book! Includes: the transsexual process, talking to others, assessing your relationship, finding therapists, maintaining your marriage, jealousy, helping your children adjust, and more. Also, for the woman who falls in love with a transsexual. It's not all about him. It's about you.

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Praise It's Not All About You by Elisabeth L. Morrissey

“Being a transgender woman, it is easy for me to forget that it isn't all about me. It helps me to relate better with my partner when I hear from another woman's perspective. Although there were a few uncomfortable spots I would recommend this book to anyone that is considering or is already transitioning.”- Kristy Burney, Goodreads

Cat gives this book 5 Meows...

Possible Trigger warnings? There is talk of mental illness, suicide attempts and suicide.

Every now and then I decide to broaden my scope and read outside my normal comfort box. Lately I’ve added a few new topics like non-fiction, and this story is non-fiction. I decided to try this one to see how something a change this big would impact your life. It’s obvious it’s a big impact, but how about the everyday life? I wasn’t prepared for just how much change and impact this could have on not just the person going through the change but the partners and families.

The book was intriguing, interesting and dealt with everything from the actual change, feelings, partners, financial aspects, you name it… it’s probably covered and in a respectful, easy to understand way.

If you know of someone going through this change or involved with someone, I suggest you get this book, it could help you both. It’s not boring and dry like a lot of self-help or non-fiction. The headings and subheadings are intriguing and draw you in, and occasionally the author invites you to share a cookie and will offer you the recipe at the end of book. I’d lie if I said I didn’t stick around for it and if there is one thing I’d like different in the book? A printable version of the recipe!

It’s Not All About You: Living with a Transsexual Spouse or Partner by Elisabeth L. Morrissey- Excerpt

What if I do stay?

What I hope to accomplish with the first part of this book is to give you the courage and the tools to stay in the marriage if you choose to. We’ll discuss how to talk to people who may disapprove. We’ll talk about evaluating the overall relationship to decide whether it’s worth saving, and we’ll get into developing the most important skill of all, negotiation—giving ground without giving way. We’ll also address some of the special circumstances that come into play with marriage to and divorce from a T.

If you are a woman considering a relationship with a transsexual, or have recently embarked upon one, this book is for you, too. The second part speaks directly to you, and, although it may not seem applicable to you, I encourage you to read the first part, which I wrote for the already married.

You’ll find a lot of suggestions that may prove useful, married or not, and who knows? You just might someday join the ranks of the married-to.

I ask a lot of questions, ones I imagine my readers asking, and I answer as many of them as I can. Some of them you have to answer for yourself. But remember, as Jimmy Buffett said in his song Off to See the Lizard, “Answers are the easy part, the questions raise the doubts.”

If after reading the book, you still think I don’t I know what I’m talking about, write to me and tell me why, so I can consider your input for the next edition. I’ve only found a handful of other women who have chosen to stay in this situation—or support groups for them other than what are essentially divorce groups—probably for the same reason this book has never been written, the assumption that this’ll never work.

One last thing: My personal opinions, stories and theories are all over this book, and I’m not apologizing for them. If you want some nice objective book on the general subject of transsexualism, I have a bookcase full of them, and books by clinicians abound. But you came to me for advice, so I’m going to offer it as if we were friends chatting at my kitchen table. So let me pour us a cup of tea. There’s a plate of ginger snaps on the table, there; the recipe’s in an appendix in the back of the book. Now, let’s talk.

A few years ago I went, once again, to the Tattered Cover, Denver’s premiere independent bookstore, looking for this book. I didn’t find it. After looking everywhere I could imagine they might shelve such a thing, I approached the Reserve Desk to ask. I posed my question without really looking at the person standing behind the counter.

“I’m looking for a book for women who choose to remain married to a transsexual husband or who deliberately enter a relationship with a transsexual.”

“Oh, honey, there is no such book, and there needs to be.” Something in the timbre and pitch of the voice caused me to look up. I recognized the clerk. She was herself transsexual and had been around the Center for years.

I laughed and said, “Hi, Penny. I didn’t know you worked here. I’ve never found a book anything like that. There are a lot of books for the wives of cross-dressers, both how to live with him and how to leave him but this is a whole ‘nother animal,” I sighed.

“That’s the truth. I wish there had been a book like that when I told my ex-wife,” she said, ruefully

“Well, that’s it, then,” I said resolutely. “I guess I’m just gonna have to write the son-of-a-bitch myself, since it looks like nobody else is gonna.”

“Go for it! Good luck! We’d love to have it,” she encouraged me. You hold the result of that conversation in your hands.

I probably couldn’t find anything on these topics because no one has ever seen the point. “Everyone knows” a marriage like this is doomed, one divorce is pretty much like another- and nobody in their right mind would ever knowingly enter a relationship with a transsexual. Which I guess, means I’m crazy and so are you.

Helen Boyle’s book My Husband Betty, about life with her publicly cross-dressing husband, may have explained further why nobody’s written this book. She wrote a little about many kinds of non-traditional couples, including those in which one partner is transsexual. She talked about the expectation by doctors, therapists, and even the trans-women themselves that following transition- which without a doubt includes genital surgery- the Ts will find nice, ordinary straight guys, settle down and get married. Even Karen entertained this fantasy before we met.

Everyone seems to assume that if they take this path, they will become ordinary women with unremarkable relationship problems and no special help or information will be necessary. This idea would be just plain silly, if it weren’t so pernicious.

These relationships are very different from one with a non-transgendered man or woman. A straight woman knows how to relate to a man, as do lesbians to one another. But, transsexuals are neither ordinary men nor ordinary women and anyone who thinks they are is in for quite a surprise.

They were raised as boys and trained to be men, but it didn’t quite take. They were never taught to be women. When they realized that women were what they had to become, they were pretty much working without a net. All they know is what they see from other Ts who are a little farther along than they, what they read, and their idealized image of what a woman’s life is like.

Despite all the biographies written by and about trans-folk and about hacking their way through the medical, psychiatric,and legal jungle of transition, almost nothing has been written for them about how to be women. I’ve never seen anything about post-transition relationships or sexuality. The Ts can’t write it and the Helping professionals Ps don’t seem to get that credible follow-up studies need to be done. Who knows? Maybe reading these words will inspire someone.

The more research I do for this book, the more evidence I find to back up my belief that I may be special but I’m not unique. There are other women who would deliberately choose, or at least be accepting of a male transsexual as a partner. That doesn’t make it easy. Whether your basic orientation is toward men, women, or both (in which case this may seem a perfect compromise), these relationships come with their own special set of challenges.

The first two parts of this book were addressed to women already married to men who come out as trans. I talked to these wives about the assumption professionals make in that case, that the marriage will shatter and relieve the wife of any but mundane post-divorce trauma. I talked to them like their best girlfriend would over a cup of tea.

So here, you have a seat at my kitchen table, too. Have a cookie. I’ll give you the recipe before you go.

I tried to give the wives the courage and the tools to stay in their relationships, and I hope to do the same for you. I urged them to stick it out, even when “transition issues” and things that have nothing to do with transsexualism threatened to derail the whole wonderful, untidy affair.

Untidy is a pretty good word for it. If you like your romances nice and neat and hate surprises, this is not for you. It’s going to be trial and error all the way, even with all the wisdom of experience I can give you.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell you that. If I had known just how difficult it could be, I might have bailed out and missed out on a wonderful adventure with the love of my life. Looking back from the distance of twenty-thirty-seven years, I can honestly say I’m glad I hung in there through all the frustration, tears and now and then, blinding rage.

What’s different about our situation, as opposed to the already married women, is that you and your new love have no history. This is both good and bad. You have no baggage about the way things used to be, no sense of loss to overcome, and nothing to grieve. On the other hand, there’s no base of lasting love or shared memories of problems you’ve faced together to anchor yourselves to—and most important—no marriage to untangle yourselves from.

In place of marriage vows (which it is probably much too soon to consider, if you ever choose to legally marry), you will have to make an agreement that you will try to negotiate a solution before you just pick up and pack up and walk out.

Elisabeth Morrissey learned a lot as a volunteer for several years at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado, a transgender support organization, and from her twenty-five-year marriage to a male-to-female transsexual. She is otherwise a homemaker and support system for her spouse, Karen.

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